A mourning?

Posted on March 9, 2012


If there ever was  day to describe my thought process and “chaos theory” in the same breath it would be today. I was focused enough at work to accomplish what needed to be done before I left and got on the plane, but that’s where it ended.

I’ve recently completed reading Safran-Foer’s other novel “Everything is Illuminated” and, at the recommendation of my cousin, The Giver by Lois Lowry. I intended to write my review of at least one of those books. But, as I started to write them the urge to continue on my short tory in part “Three Feet Under” took over. I put on my head phones, fired up the Zune and opened up the document. Then, the music took over.

The tunes evoked a different emotional response in me and I lost focus on the short story. So now my headphones are affixed in my ear canal and I’ve arrived at yet an entirely different destination recalling the joy from last weekend, house to myself where, uninhibited, I released (week, months??) of pent-up artistic feelings with several hours of “therapy” which included  about an hour or so on drums and another hour or picking on the banjo and singing.  

So here I am wandering aimlessly through random thoughts and emotions to arrive at this now off topic post. I can see how I got here. My real question is “Why?”.  I can feel that something has changed inside me in the last 6 months. Some would say it’s the “mid-life crisis” I wrote about back in January. I’m sure there’s a bit of truth to that but I don’t feel that’s it. Am I depressed? I would say “No”. I am generally content right now. My job i going well, I love my wide more that ever after 16 years of marriage, I have another grandchild on the way and my son is getting married.

All of a sudden it’s as if I feel I have something to say, something to express, something I feel and no way to release it. I’m consumed with emotion.

It’s a pure, raw emotion.
It’s a fear and a love.
It’s passion and pain
It’s a sorrow and a yearning.
It’s anger, and, it’s regret.
It’s an overwhelming sense of loneliness and loss.

So here I am, sitting, pecking at the keyboard, looking for the words to describe what’s going on internally.

Looking at my emotional list above, it almost seems I’m in mourning or grieving. But for what?