losing control

Posted on June 13, 2012


How do you give up control when
you’ve spent the better part of the last 30 years suppressing emotions
you’ve been told for almost your whole life, “stop crying and act like a man”
that it could cost you everything dear to your heart and soul

how do you learn to let go of your emotions
how do you learn to show fear, pain, hurt, regret, joy, love
how do you learn to cry again, and act like a man
how to you learn to let go even if it means losing what is so close to your heart and soul

it’s a 2 steps forward, 1 step backward process
making slow progress as the tears come
making baby steps when the pain comes
then reeling everything back in, reigning in control once again

then letting out a little more rope
and feeling like your mind is going in a thousand directions
and inviting in everything that hurts
and cutting the cords and shackles from those you love
letting them be free to find their own happiness, not the happiness you’ve contrived for them
until the pain and fear overwhelm you once more
and you bind them again in the shackles of your love, and calm your fears
and try to bottle everything up again

then let out the rope again, letting it go further
laughing, and loving, reveling in your joy
embracing the pain, the hurt, regret and remorse
facing your death square, confronting it
letting the tears flow freely, like a Man
and realize that the cords you’ve bound your love and heart with only make them bitter towards you
and now your mind is in a million little pieces, going a million different ways
so you piece together the cords and cuffs to try and rebind your love

then you do it all again
until it’s natural to cry
until pain is as much a part of you as love
until regret i as much a part of you as joy
and sadness is as much a part of you as happiness
and you realize now that’s there’s not enough rope,
there’s not enough left of the broken shackles
to bind your love with
and by default they are free
and you can meet them face to face
both free of your bonds

Posted in: Chaos theory